How to Effectively Communicate in your First Responder Marriage

Effective communication in your first responder marriage

Finding grace through choice and intentional communication

Intentional communication is an art form. Some are gifted the skill and others (most of us) have to work diligently to have our words be understood. Compound this with our complex emotions and you have the perfect storm for miscommunication or worse - no communication at all. When a marriage begins, most are young and full of aspirations and dreams. Flash forward and you are now possibly parents and brimming with responsibilities. Many marriages struggle with the constant clutch of life’s responsibilities. Often, no one understands this or feels this more than the spouse of a first responder.

The first responder marriage requires the spouse and family to embrace a life and calling that is not their own. They are asked to sacrifice their holidays, anniversaries, soccer games and ballet recitals. They are required to protect the person who is protecting the community - and it is a big ask. How the spouse of a first responder reacts and communicates their feelings can make all the difference in their marriage.

The Shelter Foundation was created to give families the resources to make their marriages better - to not only survive duty but to thrive in duty, together. So, how do we learn to communicate better? A different approach is needed for every couple but finding a safe space to discuss your spouse and the effects their service has on your marriage is the first step.

Counseling: American culture is still catching up on the importance of mental health and the staggering effect regular counseling can have for a first responder and their marriage. In counseling, you learn so much about each other, which allows for grace and compassion to a level that is difficult to achieve otherwise. Regular marriage counseling is a proactive approach to the health of your marriage, much like intentional time spent together and regular dates (see 10 Simple Date Ideas for First Responders.)

Intentional Communication: After counseling, communicating effectively comes down to choice. In a 2022 interview with the Hopecast with Rachel Flick, The Shelter Foundation founder Gracie Miller Parrish stated, “You, as the wife have the choice to respond and how are you going to manage that?” The choice is to accept that the first responder doesn’t have a choice - and asking them to choose between their calling and their family is impossible. When you intentionally communicate that you are on the same team, that you are proud of them and cannot wait for them to come home, the walls surrounding their heart to survive service soften. She goes on to say, “Choose the relationship over being right. It’s not about the day (Christmas Eve, birthdays, anniversaries). It is about being together as a family.”

Support & Community: Now, this is far easier said than implemented and that is where the safe place support comes back into play. In order to fight for your marriage and protect your first responder you must have the support you need. One of the best outcomes of social media has been that first responder families can find one another for connection and support. No matter the circumstances, when you know there are others in similar situations it is less likely that you will feel alone. Take the first step and look for a Facebook group or Instagram hashtag that you can join to hear others stories and perhaps even share your own - you could help another spouse and not even realize it.

FUN: The second step to communicating effectively may not even involve verbal communication. We get so caught up in the responsibilities of life that we forget to have FUN. Intentional communication can also be non-verbal, it is simply doing things together that bring joy. As we age into adulthood, we need to find ways to be care - free and laugh, shedding the trauma and relentless pull that life can present. Try something new together for the first time - kayak, hike, shop, binge - watch a comedian, whatever it is - connect with your spouse in a positive way. Try to find activities that don’t require you to discuss work or home updates or even kids. Date each other and perhaps doing so will give you a glimpse of the dream filled kids you once were.

You made the choice to go through this journey together and while life does takes over more often than anyone would like, properly caring for your marriage (and responder) should remain a top priority. Appreciate the ride and the unique bond you have in your marriage…there may never be another like it.

If you missed the full Hopecast with Gracie Parrish Miller, you can listen to its entirety, here.

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More from The Shelter Foundation:

How to Effectively Communicate in your First Responder Marriage

Finding grace through choice and intentional communication

Spring Brings National Recognition Dedicated to First Responders

Spectacular Colorado Hikes for Couples to Enjoy This Spring and Summer